How do you know if you’ve found “the one?”

It’s a question we’ve all asked ourselves at some point—and, full disclosure, it pops into my mind more often than I’d like to admit.

And I know what you’re thinking: “But you’re single—how would you know?”

And fair point.

However, I think this question is something worth exploring while you’re single, because isn’t that how you end up choosing better when the time comes? With divorce rates higher than ever, and billions of people in the world, it’s natural to wonder: how do you know if the person you’re dating is the one you’re meant to build a future with?

Before I give my personal opinion, I did my research, and here's what the experts have to say…

Soulmate or many “ones”?

Is there such a thing as a soulmate? Research shows we’re split on the idea. A Pew Research study found that nearly half of adults believe in the idea of one true partner, while the other half believe that love is about compatibility, timing, and effort.

Those who believe in soulmates often describe it as an instant connection—a “knowing” that goes beyond logic. Relationship expert Helen Fisher explains that our brains are wired to form strong pair bonds, which is why some people genuinely feel they’ve found their other half. From this perspective, the soulmate concept reflects the intensity of that biological bonding.

On the other hand, psychologists often lean toward the “many ones” theory. John Gottman, who studied couples for decades, says it’s not about finding the perfect partner but about how partners respond to each other’s needs, manage conflict, and maintain emotional connection. In other words: it’s less destiny, and more daily choices. He says that long-term relationship success depends more on shared values and consistent effort rather than initial spark.

So which is right? Maybe both. Some people experience love as if they’ve found their missing piece, while others see love as something that’s nurtured into greatness over time. Those who believe in soulmates see love like a puzzle—you stumble across the one missing piece that finally makes the picture whole. However, the people who see love as something that grows, it’s like lego—you build something incredible with many different pieces over time.

The biology of love

Biology plays a part too. The “butterflies” people talk about aren’t just a poetic metaphor—they’re adrenaline mixed with dopamine, your body’s way of saying “pay attention, this person matters.” That rush is intoxicating, but it isn’t meant to last forever.

Over time, another hormone steps in: oxytocin, often nicknamed the “cuddle hormone.” It’s released through touch, eye contact, and intimacy, reinforcing trust and attachment. It’s why a steady hug from someone you love can feel more grounding than any first-kiss spark.

Psychologists also differentiate between two main stages of love:

• Limerence – that dizzy, obsessive phase where you can’t stop thinking about the person, checking your phone, replaying conversations in your head. It feels like love, but it’s often unsustainable long-term.

• Companionate love – the calmer, steady bond that grows when two people share experiences, values, and trust. This stage is what predicts long-term satisfaction and stability.

  
  

And if you’ve ever wondered why the rush fades in relationships—it’s supposed to. Serotonin levels balance out, the fireworks quiet, and your brain makes room for deeper connection. This first phase is commonly known as the “honeymoon phase.” Evolutionary psychologists suggest this shift was crucial for our survival; the initial rush drew people together, but the steadier bond kept them committed long enough to raise families and build communities.

Think of it like this: limerence is fireworks—bright, breathtaking, impossible to ignore, but fleeting. Companionate love is the campfire—steady, warm, and something you can gather around for years.

So the real test of love isn’t whether the butterflies last forever—it’s whether those fireworks settle into a fire you can actually build a life around.

Different views across time

The idea of “the one” isn’t new. In Plato’s Symposium, he described humans as originally having two heads, four arms, and four legs, until the gods split them apart. Love, he said, was the search for our other half.

Fast-forward to today, and the cultural narrative has shifted again. Modern society tends to see love less as fate and more as partnership. Movies, books, and social media celebrate the “spark,” but research shows that long-term relationship satisfaction often comes from shared values, effective communication, resilience, and consistent acts of kindness. In other words, the relationships that endure are often the ones couples choose to build together, rather than stumble into by destiny alone.

Think of it like a river: Plato imagined love as a single, straight path connecting two halves. Today, we see it branching into many streams—different routes, but all capable of carrying love if nurtured thoughtfully.

So while the myths of soulmates are beautiful, the lesson remains timeless: love is as much about commitment, effort, and shared life as it is about fireworks or fate.

What people say “the one” feels like

When I asked around, I realised every couple defines it differently. Here are some of the most common things people mentioned:

• They’re your best friend.

• You feel a deep sense of calm around them.

• They make your life lighter and better.

• You can be your most authentic self.

• They feel like home.

• They make you want to be the best version of yourself.

• You can’t picture a future without them.

• They know you better than you know yourself sometimes.

• Being with them feels effortless, not forced.

• You can sit in comfortable silence and it still feels right.

• They celebrate your wins and hold you through your lows.

• You trust them completely, without second-guessing.

• They challenge you in ways that help you grow.

• You genuinely enjoy even the most ordinary moments together.

• Their presence just makes the world feel a little brighter.

  
  

And research actually backs this up. Studies show that the happiest couples share values, consistently show kindness, and—most importantly—respond to what Gottman calls bids for connection (those little moments when one partner seeks attention, like “look at that sunset,” and the other notices).

So, is there really a “one?” (and my personal opinion)

Maybe the better question is: does it matter? Some people find a soulmate, others find a partner who grows into that role through shared life and love.

I think it’s important to look past the butterflies and sparks. Notice how you feel around them over time. Do you feel safe, understood, and truly yourself? “The one” isn’t fate. It’s a steady, mutual choice with someone who inspires your best self, feels like home, and where a shared future simply makes sense.

So maybe “the one” isn’t a mythical figure waiting out there somewhere. Maybe “the one” is simply the person who chooses you every day, and the one you choose right back. At the end of the day, I am a firm believer that the grass isn’t greener on the other side—it’s greener where you water it.

All I know is that the future holds a love worth waiting for—and until then, I’ll keep dreaming with a heart wide open.

A x